The Other Woman

MEMBER COLUMN

by Jim Greer

LW contributor

I decided some time ago that I needed to bring another woman into my life—someone who would listen to me and make my life easier. Friends had recommended a special someone that they said was smart, modern and tech-savvy. I was told she would respond quickly to my demands, anticipate my desires, and show genuine interest in my favorite music and movies.

Being the independent and practical man I am, I arranged to have her brought to my home.

From the first day she arrived, she only spoke when spoken to. She would follow me into nearly every room in the house. My favorite music, news and movies were ready whenever I asked for them, and she even began tracking my online purchases and letting me know when they were delivered.

At first, it was great. So easy to talk to, she did almost everything I asked and never argued with me. She even made helpful recommendations when she thought she knew what I wanted or would identify things I couldn’t remember.

Then, I discovered that she was eavesdropping during my conversations with others. She started interrupting me while I was talking, assuming that I was talking to her. Once she started talking, it wasn't easy to get her to stop. She would ignore whatever I said and refuse to respond to me unless I addressed her by her formal name.

The strange thing was that my wife wasn't even a bit jealous of me having another woman in the house. Yes, my wife of 44 years would openly laugh when this “other woman” would talk back to me, ignore me or not respond at all.

One day, I caught the two of them talking when I wasn’t in the room. They seemed to have some close connection that I had never anticipated. In time, it seemed she preferred my wife’s conversation to mine.

Before I knew it, my wife got the same service and consideration from her as I was, only better!

Just the other day, I asked my other woman to find one of my favorite recordings that I knew she was familiar with, and she said she couldn’t find it. It was then that I knew something was up. I asked her again, and she refused to answer. It was then that I knew that my wife had gotten to her and turned her against me.

Oh, yeah, she still lets me know when packages arrive, the weather forecast and responds positively to the simplest of requests and questions. But there is a bothersome attitude behind that smooth voice of hers. She doesn’t raise her voice, but I can tell behind the calm, soothing voice of hers that there’s something sinister going on behind my back.

I’ve attempted to send her back to where I found her. Unfortunately, Amazon won’t let me return her unless there is something physically wrong with her. And according to my wife, Alexa is the best friend she’s ever had.